Too Much Life
by near-goron
Summary: Of course Matt wanted him to show regret.  Mello wanted,in fact, nothing more than just say sorry. But at the same time he simply couldn't do it. He had to stick to his character. To save their secure relationship. Mello's & Matt's lives close to death.
1. Prologue: Beauty Hurts

_Beauty hurts, not only because it doesn't last, but because it is only there and you're not able to do anything more than watching._  
_Seeing beauty isn't enough, because there is always the need for more that can't be satisfied._

_Beauty either keeps you craving for more or makes you sick of it. It makes you feel bad either way._

* * *

**-Pain-**

Why couldn't they choose their way? What did they do wrong?

It was painful to remember the past, painful because it was so beautiful, happy, bright, warm; it was everything good that both of them were aching for, everything that contrasted with what they were getting now. Compared to now, they even ached for every moment in the past, because everything seemed brighter than this.

But thinking of better times - and everything seemed better in such an awful situation - only the fact that there had been better times made the today worse; thinking of better times meant pain, and so both of them started to rust. Rusted from the pain, to be dramatic.

It was said that bad times would make people become bitter. Well, as for Mello and Matt, the both of them wouldn't agree. They didn't become bitter; they became just more and more desperate, somehow sour instead of bitter, because they wouldn't bow under their fate, but what made it that bad was that this bowing the only step left.

The only step left _forward_.

Behind them, there was happiness.

_Children laughter. Warm beams of autumn sun. Young children, smiling and laughing. Mello and Matt sat on the grass next to each other, leant against the big and strong trunk of a tree that gave them hold. Mello with his neat, golden blond hair, shoulder long. He had his eyes closed but stretched his pale face towards the warm and golden autumn sun._

_Matt had his green eyes fixed on his best friend right next to him. His lips were curled up in pure and deep happiness. There was no other way to describe the feeling, he thought as he glanced up to the beautiful sky above them through his red bangs. Simply happy._

"_Mello, I love this day. I don't want it to end!" he said to him._

_The other boy still had a huge smile on his lips and turned his gaze now towards his best friend.  
He closed his arms around his shoulders and held him tightly._

"_Summer should never end, Matt. Look how beautiful everything is in the sun!" he said blissfully.  
Matt hugged him back and braced his arms around Mello's warm back._

"_Yes, but the best thing about this beautiful time is: it returns next year, you know?"_

_It would never be gone completely; and that's how it should be with every kind of beauty, especially with happiness._

_ Eternally, always coming back, no matter what happened._


	2. One: Pain

The muscles of his stomach clenched in a sharp and stabbing pain as Matt was hit by a fist. His eyes shot up, his face showed anger and pain.  
Another fist hit him, clad in black leather, at his jaw. The impact was so hard that his head was actually slammed aside, while a now dull pain shot through his bone.

"Fucking shit, Matt, you'll kill us!" the blond shouted at him with fury written all over his pale and half burned face.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there, did you get to be a star? Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are? We grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe...

Matt didn't try to escape from the stream of punches. He just closed his eyes and tensed in pain while his body was covered with impacts. The furious blond hit him with all of the strength he had, in his stomach so that his guts clenched in pain like they were about to get strangulated with an iron chain. That's what it felt like for him, the first comparison that shot through his mind due to the pain.

The following image was strangely enough a scene of Mello crying, a few days ago, he didn't know when it had been exactly.

Mello sat at the table, his head buried in his arms, under sobs. It was only these few days ago that he got, once again, reminded how hard the blond was suffering from this life and his self-burdened destiny. To win every competition, every fight, to be number one, to prove he deserved the first place. To save the world. To go down a road that he wouldn't have chosen and that changed his whole person. To risk and ruin his life. To die in the end.

Again, how overdramatic.

And it was that picture that made Matt stay calm after all during the punches. After the first shock of anger and fury about getting beaten up, he stayed calm and waited for Mello to cool down.

He tried not to focus on the pain, and even though he had a very strong will no to react on it, his body couldn't help but feel pain.

After some time Mello stopped his weaker punching. Matt heard a body fall down in front of the couch he was still sitting on. Mello had collapsed from the exhaustion of beating him up; he had been putting his complete strength into every single punch, and Matt could feel it well enough. He was happy to sit, otherwise he might have fallen unconscious, if he had to stand on his legs. His ribs hurt with every move and didn't allow him to take deep breaths; every breath felt like his lungs were scrunching against sharp ribs, as if they would pierce through the fragile skin of his lungs.

His jaw was pounding dully and he felt warm, almost hot blood dribble down from it and down his nose. It had made it's way down on his collarbone. As he lifted his hand to wipe the red liquid off, a sharp pain shot through his shoulder as well. The muscle seemed to burn and forced his hand to fall back down with a sharp hiss coming out of his mouth.

Matt still felt the stabbing pain in his guts, it even seemed to get worse, pounding and pulling.

Mello was lying on the dirty wooden floor of the apartment. He had sunk on his knees and his head was lowered so that Matt couldn't make out whether he was crying or not. Probably he was too exhausted to even cry.  
Matt knew that Mello would apologize, but he wouldn't mean it. Mello didn't want to hurt him if he had the choice, but he felt better after he did anyway. And as long as Matt wasn't injured seriously he felt okay with it. Matt didn't blame Mello that much for his violence attacks. He was in a sort of a high and simply couldn't stop before he had punched all of his power out of his own body.

Somehow the pain Matt gained made him feel better. It made him feel different- though it also showed him the abstruse despair of the lives that were bound to end soon, that only seemed to be used for ending the lives of others, only used to help someone else to reach the goal. A desperate goal, in the situation they were.

And the pain woke him up, with bitterness; but it was like surfacing from a dark and soundless water.

Because Matt forced himself not to notice, not to think about in what kind of world they were living. And that they had the task to save that damn world - and that they were apparently failing.

He just tried to forget it. His preferred state would have been a trance, but that wasn't possible.

But under a shower of fist hits he was forced to think of the reason why he got hit. Why Mello felt so damn desperate. He realized his life.

That hurt even more, but it was an escape at the same time. He felt almost comfortable with his inner pain when the pain of his body made him think of it, because the outer pain was still stronger than the inner for some time. That made this inner pain somehow less important, easier to neglect.

Mello's head lifted slowly and his sharp blue eyes glanced up at him with tiredness. And some kind of pain as he saw the state that Matt was in, because of him.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly; in Matt's ears, Mello's words sounded automatic, like routine. _I'm sorry_. No, Mello didn't regret it.

Maybe he still felt some sort of pain as well.

Everything in their lives seemed to be about _pain_ now. Pain was all they felt. Only pain, even the word itself sounded disgusting to them. After thinking it so often it had lost its strength and power. Just like the mechanical _I'm sorry_ Matt got to hear so often.

_Pain_. Why was there only this one, worn out word? Pain. Ugh.

Matt only snorted and closed his eyes as he leant back.

_Snow outside, warm fairy lights inside, in the warm and cozy room with a thick carpet. A Christmas tree, shining brightly and golden. And the two of them, Mello and Matt, sitting in front of it and watching it together. The beautiful ornaments in it were shining in the golden Christmas glow, and together with the smell of cookies in the room the atmosphere was perfect; holy._

_The two kids were about fourteen years old; sitting in front of the big tree amidst all the lights, they seemed a lot younger though._

_The one of them, Matt, with his red hair and orange goggles on his head, held out something to the blond boy sitting directly across from him, with crossed legs, just like Matt did._

_It was a rosary; a small cross hanging on a delicate chain.  
"I want it to keep you save all the time. It will help you to keep the pain away from you, I hope."_

_The blond in front of him looked up from the present and into green eyes; his own, almost wet eyes were reflecting the lights of the tree in the room. Beside it the room was dark and they were the only children still up._

_He took the chain from his hands carefully and held it for a few moments before he put it on. He pulled the red haired kid into a tight hug._

"_Matt, thank you. It's perfect.... I'll always wear it." He said while his hands were holding the other boy's back. The other boy pulled a bit away from him, a blissful smile on his face. Happy._

_The blond pulled him closer, with his hands on his shoulders, and placed a very soft, very small kiss on his lips. They parted immediately, nothing more than a peck. _

_Mello just had found a way to express his thank you to Matt. And Matt was happy that the boy took his present and promised to wear it all of his life. Almost the best promise the boy could think of back then._


	3. Two: Unconsciousness

**Note:** Writing this chapter was really, really funny! XD Things are getting a bit more interesting here! That's why it's a bit longer. Tell me what you think about it... 'cause I don't know how it came out in the end.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note or any characters. Or lyrics I sometimes use.

* * *

_Beauty doesn't exist of something particular in memories. It's not only one thing or person that turns a memory into a beautiful situation – it only depends on the own personal feeling._

_Without positive emotion it's not possible to get to know real beauty.  
That's what makes beauty uncatchable: it's not created by something from the outside, but by the person itself. So it's not able to be recalled only by getting hold of things connected with the memory._

**Unconsciousness**

Matt was woken by a sudden stinging pain on his arm. As he cracked his hurting eyes open, he saw Mello investigating the damage he had caused. Carefully, and with apparent sorrow, he pulled up the sleeve of Matt's shirt to look at an immense, already alarming dark bruise on his arm. The pain that was sent through his body only by the contact with the fabric startled Matt.

He pursed his lips and drew his arm out of Mello's hands. The blond looked up into his aching face. His chin was stained with his blood. His green eyes behind orange were hard and cold.

"Don't make it worse" he said finally. Violation shot through Mello's blue eyes for a moment.  
"Sorry," he said once again. "Just wanted to make sure nothing's broken" he added stiffly.  
"It isn't. Let go off me." Matt replied dryly. The beautiful face in front of him showed regret.

Mello's eyes lingered on his face for a moment, then he stood up. He ran a gloved hand through his shaggy hair. He hesitated a short moment before he put on a plain, harsh tone. "I need you to go and check out the places I've told you yesterday."

Matt closed his eyes and sighed. He waited until Mello was out in the kitchen until he got up; because he didn't want him to see his face cringed in pain as he was struggling to get up, desperately fighting against his sore body that seemed to hurt at every inch.  
As he used the muscles of his stomach to lean forward, the pain felt like fire in it. Not only in the muscles, every part of his flesh seemed to burn. He hissed and clenched his teeth together to suppress a cry.

When he pulled himself onto his feet, his legs felt like they would break down under his weight. Only for a moment before he had himself back under control ; the second he straightened his shoulders, Mello came around the corner of the kitchen, as if he had left the room just to leave him alone; as if Mello had a sensor for moments when somebody felt uncomfortable.

While Matt went to his room to get his vest, he thought about it. A person who would look at Mello for the first time would laugh about him saying that Mello was someone with a link to sensing emotions of others. He just gave such a strong, rough impression.

But Matt knew him for a long time; and he started to feel a sort of vibe radiating from the blond. He was very charismatic, and he knew how to play and how to use people. But he wasn't only able to do so by threatening, as one would expect of a former member of the mafia; he was actually able to know a person's feelings. And he used it to control and work with their emotions.

Matt put on his vest and grabbed the keys; with a last glance over at Mello, he left without saying anything more. He got into his car and drove down the street to a place he was told to observe, because Mello suspected that it might be a hideout for active Kira supporters.

He lit a cigarette and sighed at the pain in his arm when he lifted it.

Mello was racing down the street on his motorcycle. He knew where he would find his accomplice and he was nearly there. He stopped his machine a few streets away from the apartment and took the rest of the way on foot.

Matt was standing on the other side of the street, his back turned against the place he was momentarily observing. Mello headed towards him from behind, and earned an irritated look from the girl Matt had set his attention on. Mello had seen her a few times before, he knew that Matt met her from time to time. She looked like some average girl, with black hair and nice dark eyes, probably brown.

Mello stepped closer carefully, a smirk on his lips and his eyes fixed on them in determination. The girl had her arms around Matt's waist and he was leaning down to her, his hands on her chin and hair.  
The blond pronounced his determined walk with a swing of his hips. The tight black leather outfit emphasized the impression he gave and the girl was effectively distracted. Mello couldn't help but smirk.

He stretched his arm out for the other man and wrapped it around his shoulders from behind, his gloved hand resting on Matt's shoulder.

Matt flinched and turned his head quickly. When he recognized the blond, he frowned at him. Mello still held up his smirk, ignoring the young woman in front of them completely.

"What's wrong, Mello?" Matt asked in a calm voice, withdrawing his hand from the chin of the girl in front of him, his other hand still resting on her hair.

Mello chuckled at him and let his fingertips reach over the vest on Matt's chest, gentle like a breeze. He felt Matt tensing under the contact. Mello's fingertips wandered upwards, making small steps until he reached the collar.

"Nothing, Matt..." he purred with a low, alluring voice while he leant forward to his face. He watched amused how his eyes first widened under the orange lenses of his goggles before they frowned. His lips drew a sharp line, but Mello didn't miss the small twitch that gave him a sweet affirmation to go on. So he let his gloved fingertips slide under the shirt, slowly crawling over the bare, well-toned chest with small moves. He didn't deign to look at the girl for a second, but he noticed nevertheless the very irritated and now appalled look on her face.

Matt tried to pull away from the cool touch weakly and flinched, but Mello stretched out his other hand to his waist, the opposite side of the one the girl had been holding on before, to keep him in place.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked perplexed. Mello could hear the disbelief in his voice – it sounded a bit shaky.

Mello shot a playing glance at him and pulled him closer to his body while his left hand on Matt's waist moved towards the mid of his body. Mello lifted his head a little to do the final move.

He moved his lips to Matt's jaw and brushed over the pale skin slightly with a smile. His lips wandered towards his chin until he withdrew them from the skin and created a very small space between them, their faces turned now completely towards each other. Matt didn't move anymore, simply looking .

"I missed you..." Mello whispered hoarsely, but loud enough for the girl to still hear him. She freed herself from Matt's touch, eyes widened in shock, and she ran away just when Mello licked his lips and leant in to kiss the red head on his slightly parted lips.

But Matt struggled again and managed to get out of his grip only because Mello let go of him.

"Hey, wait!" he yelled for the girl who ran away.

Mello grinned contently. "You don't even know her name?" he asked, voice suddenly serious and loud. Matt shot around to look at him, his lips twitching once more. For a moment it looked as if he would scream at Mello. But then his face straightened again and made Mello slightly disappointed.

The red haired young man sighed and gave him only an angry glare. "Idiot."

Mello watched the girl running away from them. "Why did you do that?" Matt asked, voice still calm, but Mello could already sense the anger. He crossed his arms and waited for the blond to answer.

Mello chuckled and lifted his eyebrows at him. "Didn't know you loved her that much" he said. His voice was drenched in mocking sarcasm and smugness.

Matt frowned at him. "I didn't, but still, it sucks. What was that for?"

"You don't seem to be _that_ angry; I'm sure you don't even know her name. If she had only been a game, I guess you would've dropped her anytime soon anyway."

Mello winded around the answer skilfully. Because he didn't know himself why he had to do that; he just felt that he somehow needed to sabotage the moment, and licking off Matt seemed to be quite a suiting way to succeed. Still, he had ruined the moment in the hope that Matt would scream at him and start a fight or something. That would have been a good distraction; like doing physical pain to Matt was a good distraction, earning physical pain himself would have been distracting as well.

He would have enjoyed earning an angry reaction from Matt. Mello was so full of damp hate and aggression because of the life he had now; because he couldn't live with such a life. So he needed some different emotions to wipe away the constant feeling of pain and sadness, hate and fear, anger and rage.

Even the guilt he felt after releasing his rage at Matt was like a rescuing intake of cold air after being stuck in dark water for too long.

Mello knew that he acted like this, aggressive and sadistic, because he couldn't stand the life he was living. Living to become number one, but that wasn't his problem. In this struggle, he realized, his life didn't count much anymore. Facing Kira, nobody's life seemed to have much weight anymore. It appeared to be strange to himself, caring about such a thing while he himself didn't put much weight into other people's lives if they weren't of any use. For the goal of beating Kira, he set clear priorities, willingly.

But even though he was that pragmatic, he was completely different from Kira. What it was that made him hate Kira that much for his new world was that people like him, like Near and L, people like Matt, who were important, who were needed, counted just as much as any bastard who murdered his son. No matter what it was that you killed for, everyone's lives counted the same in the eyes of Kira. Everyone of them deserved death in his sick eyes.

Matt blinked at him after his last answer. He really didn't seem to be very hurt about that girl, as Mello noticed.

"Stop that, Mello. Even if she wasn't important, why d'you do that?"

Mello sighed. "Idiot. I wanted to give you a reason for taking revenge on me and beating me up just like I did. Seems like you don't want to. Was only for your own best, y'know." He said with a mean smirk. Matt didn't react on the provocation. He only shook his head and turned around to walk to his car.

Mello actually had said the truth, he wanted revenge. But there was still something else in the back of his mind that made him act, something he couldn't get hold of because it was buried too deep in his unconsciousness.

In his eyes, Matt didn't deserve to love; it was the fact that Matt seemed to have a beloved person that gave him any kind of good emotions, emotions that were misplaced in this situation. Their lives were a nightmare full of blood and crimes, their minds should only be filled with hate.

If Matt went for something else, for love, that made him feel good, it equaled betrayal. Mello felt anger rising when he saw Matt happy with the girl while he felt cold and couldn't stand his life anymore.

Matt went for that girl to flee from him, from the life he had chosen because of him.

The blond sighed in despair and ran a gloved hand through his hair. This whole damn situation made him feel like he couldn't quite get a grip of his own mind.  
His mind was restless, but he couldn't always flee into violence or hurting people in a different way. That only left a sad aftertaste.


	4. Three: Use

**Note:** So, I'd really like to hear what you think about this chapter! Too sad, too sappy, too boring?

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own anything about Death Note.

_Used lyrics: Hallelujah _by Jeff Buckley; _My Immortal_ by Evanescence.

_

* * *

Well, there was a time when you let me know what's really going on below, but now you never show that to me, do you?_

**- Use -**

Why didn't he just leave? Why didn't he just leave the whole goddamn place, with this whole goddamn life? Apparently, it was nothing but pain for Matt. Getting bashed almost until unconsciousness or working through days without sleep – was that what he was staying with Mello for?

Matt sighed and let his head fall back on the couch. The move caused a pain in his neck and he hissed involuntarily.

He needed Mello, after all. Mello was the reason why he had left his home, Wammy's, too. Like his big idol. Matt had always been admiring Mello's strength.

He snorted at that word. _Strength_ was the first, obvious word everyone would think of as a description for Mello after they met him for the first time.  
He saw way more in him, though. Mello was power, energy. Always full of life.  
Always so sure, so aware of what he was doing. Even back then, when they were only young teens at Whammy's.

Of course they had been close. Very close, actually. Mello was, naturally, the most important person to Matt. That was the reason why he followed after Mello had left him there. To help Mello, to walk along the road Mello took, together with him.

And because it had really hurt when Mello had left.

_A light wooden door opened quietly, and Matt looked up from his bed where he had been lying.  
A blond boy appeared in the door frame. Hesitantly. Unsure. Things that Matt usually wouldn't have used as a description for him. Never._

_Mello closed the door and walked over to him. Matt sat up. His eyes scanned over the other boy's face, confused.  
The blond didn't say anything but simply sat down on the bed, next to the younger boy.  
_

_His gaze was pointing straight forward when he said it. "I'm leaving Wammy's."_

_The other boy turned around to face him completely. He was startled. "Huh? Why that?"_

_Mello didn't bother turning towards him. "L is dead and I need to take my revenge. As his successor, but without Near."__ The redhaired boy thought for a moment and cleared his throat.  
"So, uh...when do you leave?"  
Mello hesitated for a short moment. "Today. In a few hours, actually."_

_The other boy couldn't quite understand his decision at that moment, but he knew not to mess with it._  
"_Okay, so I'll go with you." He stated, a bit weakly._

_The blond shook his head, still looking forward. "No, Matt. You know, I have to go on my own. It's my life."_

_The other boy snorted. "Cut this shit, Mello! Stop being so damn sappy! Of course it is, but it doesn't change the fact that I still can go with you!"_

_Mello shot around to him; his blue eyes shimmering. "Idiot! It's not your decision I made!"  
Matt stared at him. "Yeah, but it's my decision I made to go with you!"_

_Mello hissed and grabbed his shoulders. "Stop that, idiot! I'm the one who's meant to be L's successor, not you. So I'll go."_

_Matt froze for a moment at the harsh tone. "I'm the one who helps you being his successor, you know. I don't want to fight for the first place. I wanna help you!"_

_Mello looked straight in his green eyes, unshielded._

"_Matt... please, just stop it. I wanna do this on my own, okay?" he said, his voice low.  
Matt hissed. "Of course not! Tell me why you feel like you have to do this 'on your own'. Just give me a goddamn reason why!"_

_Mello frowned at him. "I don't have to defend my decisions." He growled. After a few seconds of silence, he was trying to stand up, but Matt took hold of his arms and kept him in place. His eyes were full of emotions.  
"Don't...do that, Mello!" he whispered and hugged him tightly. The blond froze at the sudden contact and didn't move._

_After a short hesitation, the blond answered without changing his position. "Just give me a goddamn reason why" he repeated Matt's words, calm and coldly._

_Matt yanked away from him suddenly and stared at him with painful eyes. "Idiot!" he hissed. "You won't succeed alone either! You don't have a _chance_, Mello!"  
His voice was desperate. The other boy frowned at him._

"_I will succeed, Matt. I... That's why I don't let you come with me. You... would be no help for me if you think I'll lose." There was a slight shake in his voice._

_Matt blinked in disbelief. He stared at his face for a moment, then leant in slowly and touched Mello's lips with his own. He brushed over the blond's slightly parted mouth, a desperate attempt to change anything, and as he felt the other boy moving away from him quickly closed his hands behind his neck. His hands entangled in the blond strands and the kiss was getting more intense, more asking and desperate. Begging. And slowly, Mello gave in._

_Mello brought his hands up to Matt's neck, one hand moved around to took hold of the back of his neck, imitating the firm grip Matt had on him. The other hand rested on his shoulder. His fingers curled into the fabric of the boy's loose shirt while his lips moved around the other boy's upper lip._

_Mello opened his eyes again and saw the firm expression on Matt's face, only inches away. He knew why his friend was doing this, and he knew he had to resist the urge of letting him win.  
He knew that the kiss was a last desperate attempt to change his decision, to make him take Matt with him._

_But his decision was still standing, even if the kiss was unexpected. And made it way more difficult for Mello to just leave him. Because now he knew that he had to hurt Matt. There was no other way for him to just go anymore._

_Matt let his tongue brush over Mello's lips, and he parted them automatically in response. Matt knew that what he was doing was mindless and probably useless as well. And if he couldn't make Mello change his opinion, this kiss would only make everything way harder for himself. If Mello really still left him behind after this, it would only make the pain worse._

_Because the kiss had actually been Matt's wish, he had wanted to do it. And he gave in because of complete helplessness.  
Even if he cared for nothing but the moment itself now, and felt nothing besides desperation and joy now, Matt knew that a confession like that would only make everything harder afterwards._

_So he put all of his will into the kiss and moved his mouth together with the blond's._

_Automatically, Matt moved his arms into the blond strands of Mello's hair and entangled his fingers in them; with a moan Mello's eyes opened again and he pushed the redhead away firmly, using the hold he had of Matt's shoulder and neck._

_Mello looked at him. Determined. "I'll... be leaving in a few hours." He said. His voice sounded almost calm. And cold. There was only a faint sense of a shake in it._

_Matt felt tears shot into his eyes. He shook his head frantically. "No! Mello, stop it!" he yelled as the blond had already stood up and was walking towards the door. Matt jumped up from his bed and leapt towards him. He grabbed his wrists once again and Mello shot around to face him._

_His face showed emotions openly, but it wasn't readable which exactly. Mello closed his eyes briefly and took all of his control together. For hurting Matt. For doing exactly what every fibre of his body was refusing to do._

_He lifted his right hand and slapped it right across Matt's face. Hardly.  
Mello felt the palm of his face burn from the slap; Matt felt the stinging pain three times as strong as it actually hurt._

_Mello looked at the shocked face in front of him and the tear-wet green eyes. _

"_Matt. You... were really important for me the whole time. But I don't want to have you with me. You're no use for me."_

_He yanked his hand out of the firm grip on his other wrist and stumbled back a few steps; then Mello walked out of the door.  
And Matt collapsed on the floor. Sobbing, and with a burning feeling all over his face. He bit on his lips that had just been kissed so gently. He bit harder until he felt only the pain of bruised lips and felt the gross taste of blood in his mouth. But he couldn't help thinking of Mello's lips on his own._

_*I'm so tired of being here; suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. __  
'Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone.__These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just so much the time cannot erase.  
_

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams; your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me.*_

"Shit!" Matt yelled. He slammed his fist on table in front of him. "Fuck!"

He didn't want to remember the old times. These times were dead and the memories useless. He didn't earn anything from crying himself into sleep, dreaming of a time when he had been happy.

Yes, it _did _have some use – more pain.  
Because his life was complete crap. It was hell.  
But if he tried to forget better times, if he just looked at the here and now, he could ignore it. But he just wasn't able to just forget.  
Even painful memories hurt; because the reason why they had been painful was that there were beautiful times just before them as well.

Matt shook his head violently and stood up. He mustn't think of it. Of anything. Everything made the now worse.

Still, he wasn't able to forget about what Mello did to him. Of course he couldn't; because Mello was, after all, still everything to him. And that was exactly the reason why Matt had to suffer from his life, because of Mello's presence.

He walked over to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee before going back to work. Because he needed to please Mello after all. Ignoring his job would be the worst thing he could do now.

He put the cup on the table in front of him and fell back onto the couch; a hiss escaped his mouth as he felt the pain that shot through his stomach at the careless movement.

Nevertheless, he opened his laptop and went over to watching the cameras and controlling the bugs he had installed.

The work was really boring. Matt couldn't stand watching people doing nothing for hours.  
But he did, and only noticed that he had fallen asleep when he felt a rude shake of his shoulder. Matt shot up and hissed in pain.  
Mello stood in front of him, with an icy glare. Arms crossed over the tight black leather on his slender chest.

"Idiot! What the fuck are you doing? Did I tell you to sleep or to _work_?! It's only afternoon, you lazy bastard!"

Matt frowned back at him. "Sorry, Mello. I pay better attention now." He answered coolly.  
The blond furrowed his eyebrows and growled. "You're so _useless_, Matt." Mello turned around and rushed straight through the door, grabbing his jacket mid-walking.

The door was slammed shut.

Useless.  
_He was no use._  
Why did Mello have to say this, just after his goddamn flashback? Why did he have to use exactly _these_ words!?

"NO!" Matt leapt forwards to the wall at the other side of the room and kicked the wood with all of his strength.  
And he was happy because of the throbbing pain that took over his foot. It was enoughto release his fury – or, better said, desperation- and it distracted him.

He blocked everything out, his complete surroundings, and sat back down in front of his laptop. He lit a cigarette and went back to work, scanning all of the data that had been delivered by the various bugs during the last days. He scanned all of the data he could get of the suspected people as well. Along with all of the police data concerning the Kira case.

He worked concentrated, totally focused on his stupid work and not really thinking of anything at all.


	5. Four: Distortion

...Awww, this chapter makes me feel a bit melancholic...^^  
I took the lyrics from 21 Guns of Green Day and Michiyuki, the ending song of Loveless

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own anything concerning Death Note or the characters.

_Listening Suggestion_: Self Esteem by The Offspring; or the songs of which I used the lyrics.

* * *

_Did you try to live on your own, when you burned down your house and your home? Did you stand too close to the fire, like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?_

**- Distortion -**

Mello was out in the streets, on his motorbike. He was on his way to a very important, very dangerous meeting. A leader of the Japanese Mafia he had contacted to ask for support in the case.

Although Mello was very suspicious of it, he knew that he had no better opportunity. Using connections with criminals was weak. But he had already gone this way before. Mello knew that he had made the best choice by joining the Mafia after leaving Wammy's, because it was the fastest way in reach to become important enough for taking it up with Near in his secure position as L's successor.

But Mello had also felt that, by going this way, he had left the path of L. So he just had to continue his own path now, and hope that it would turn out to be better than L's.

Matt didn't wake up from the creaking sound of the old door or the sound of a jacket being tossed to the ground and a person almost falling over it. The first thing he noticed in his dreamless sleep was a touch on his cheek; not enough to make him wonder and wake up. But as a stifled laugh followed he turned a bit on the couch, trying to get his peace.

The couch creaked as a second person climbed up, and sat down on his legs. Hands were moving slowly up from Matt's calves to his thighs, moving in small circles before closing around his hips. A low growl escaped from Matt's lips, though still sleeping, followed by another stifled laugh.

The other person leant down and let one hand trail back to the front of Matt's body, brushing along the side of his waist with his index finger.

Suddenly the touch sank through Matt's unconscious, sleeping mind. He grunted automatically and wondered about the situation at this point. Suddenly he also realized that the touch and the sounds somehow didn't seem to fit into a dream. What the hell was going on?

He struggled and managed to open his eyes. And let out a gasp when his eyes had taken in the image in front of him.

Mello was sitting on top of him. His face was very close to Matt's. And he felt one of Mello's hands under his back, on his hip. The other was moving along his waist.  
Matt looked at the face in front of him. Mello's blond, shaggy hair was slightly dishevelled, as if he hadn't cared about brushing it in place for several hours. His blond strands were falling down in front of his face, like a torn curtain.

There was a very distracting grin playing on his lips. Mello's eyes were locked on Matt's face, but they had something distracted in them. Like he wasn't really seeing what he was doing right now.

When Mello noticed that Matt had woken up, he let out a strange mixture of a chuckle and a hum. Slowly, he licked over the right corner of his mouth.  
Matt's breath hitched slightly and he felt an unpleasant buzz in his stomach and a slight stinging in his palms.

Mello chuckled. "Ahh... Matty, ya're up..." he slurred. At this point, Matt could already smell the alcohol in his breath.

He knew it was a dangerous situation – Mello towering over him drunkenly, obviously too drunk to realize that he was stepping over the edge of legitimate friendship. Or working relations, whatever their relation should be called.  
And Matt felt that he was too perplex to really resist the seductive smirk on Mello's face, or his clumsy hands on his body. Because it felt good, after all, too good to be good for him.

"Mm-Mello, you're drunk." He stated, trying to distract himself and Mello to save the situation.

The blond laughed darkly. "Yup, Matty, I am. Wha's wrong, huh?"

Matt gasped again as Mello leant even closer to his face while he used his hand on Matt's chest to hold him up. The closeness sent a shock of electricity through Matt's palms, so that they twitched automatically.

"Mello! What are you doing..?" Matt brought out.

The blond smirked once again, his icy blue eyes wandered over Matt's face, flickering and looking past him, and searched for his eyes.

"Matt. Maaatt. Just relax, 'kay? It's a'ight, honey" Mello purred with his sweetest voice that made Matt wince and struggle under him, trying to free himself desperately. Until Mello attached his lips to his neck in a slow, heavy kiss. Matt groaned uncomfortably.

Mello moved his lips slowly and used his tongue to lick and suck at Matt's skin. His warm, wet mouth moved down to the hollow of his collarbone and Matt couldn't resist the urge to stretch out his hands and touch Mello's chest in front of him. The blond let out a seductive hum of pleasure when Matt clenched his hands into the thin leather on his chest.

The warm breath on his skin made Matt shudder and he felt the warm mark of saliva on his collarbone. Mello struggled a bit and moved his stomach over Matt's hips which twitched a little in response. He licked his way up to Matt's chin and took the skin into his mouth, sucking on it.

Then he let go of it to take Matt's bottom lip between his own and moved his mouth slowly against Matt's lips. Matt was thunderstruck, too shocked to think properly or remind himself to stop because he would regret it later. He didn't think at all when he parted his own lips and let his tongue trail over Mello's lips.

"Mhmmm..." the blond purred into his mouth, making him shudder from the vibration that rolled through his body.

Matt gave in and followed the urging sting in his palms and body; he let his hand wander to the leather clad hip on his own tights, feeling the slender curve of the hip bone under his excited fingertips.  
Until he flinched in shock and realization. "Mm-Mello! Ssstop!" he brought out breathlessly after he broke the kiss.

Mello just grinned at him, according to his clouded gaze not realizing what he was doing at all.  
"Oh, Matty. C'mon, I know y' don't know what you sayin'... You don't mean it, huh?" the blond nuzzled, his gaze fixed on Matt's face.

Matt flinched uncomfortably. He needed all of his containment to resist the urge of listening to his body.

He tried to move his head to the side, away from Mello. "No...Mello, you don't know what you're doin'" he tried weakly.

The blond followed his movement and cocked his head to the side, looking so delicate in the dimmed light that shone from the kitchen into the dark living room. "Matty..." Mello whined. Why was he using this name all the time? It made Matt think of their childhood... And it wasn't good to stick to the past. Mello knew that, so why was he pushing it?

"I know what I'mm doin'... I couln't resist you when you were lyin' on the couch so seductively. You're so delicious, y'know?" He slurred with a husky voice.

Shit. Matt felt his heartbeat accelerate even more at this. _Delicious..._ That gave him a dangerous good feeling. Being called delicious and seductive by Mello was just so... alluring.

Mello was bending down to kiss his neck once again, but Matt managed to get his hands on Mello's shoulders.  
"I'm serious!" he said. Mello looked at him irritated. "Me too. Really" he tried to convince Matt.

Mello let his hand slide up to Matt's cheeks, holding them carefully and tried to lock their eyes. His gaze was still clouded.  
"Matt...what's your problem? You like me, do ya?" Mello asked sensitively.

Matt snorted. " I followed you, right? And I'm still helping you, no matter what you do." He stated dryly. His voice was shaky nevertheless and he felt as if it wasn't really him lying there under his blond best friend and partner. Boss. He felt like he wasn't really present. Totally out of place.

Mello lifted the corners of his mouth in a crooked smile. "So you like me..." he stated smugly.

Matt shook his head vehemently to chase away the daze. Effortlessly. "That's the point! You have to _stop_, Mello. I...do like you too much to bear it that you just ruined everything because you were drunk and didn't have any idea what the fuck you were doing!"

Mello looked at him and didn't move for a few moments. Matt regretted having spoken so openly, but Mello was drunk. Very drunk if he was about to sleep with his friend, or helping hand, whatever.  
So he didn't have to fear that Mello would remember what the both of them said. He didn't even think he would actually listen and understand what he was saying.

But apparently Mello did.

"Matty...you're...you're right." He nuzzled with a very concerned look on his face and let his head fall down on Matt's chest. Some of his blond strands touched Matt's chin, and he could feel Mello's warm breath on his collar bone.

They kept lying in the same position for minutes, without any move. Matt wondered whether Mello had fallen asleep until the blond raised his voice again. He was trying hardly to sound sober and clear.

"I don't want to ruin anythin'. I _do_ like you way too much. But it's _really _hard not to take you and rape you right here, because you're looking really hot when you've just been sleeping."

The blond crawled back from Matt's body, evoking a last wave of tingling tension in his whole body. He stood in front of him for a moment without any movement before he touched Matt's cheek with his fingertips.

"Dammit...At least I can still say g'd night properly. While I dunno what I'm doin', right." He nuzzled.  
His fingertips brushed over Matt's cheek caringly and Mello bent down to his face and kissed Matt on his lips. Very careful and sensitive. Not as clumsy as before. He could almost get the impression that Mello was now fully aware of what he was doing.

The blond brushed over Matt's lips with his own and licked over them gently. Matt responded and moved his lips, but Mello pulled away.

With a sad expression on his face, he turned away from him and walked towards their bedroom.  
"Good night, my Matty." He mumbled with his back to him while he was walking through the kitchen and turned off the light.

Oh fuck. Why couldn't life just be easy? Why couldn't it be only pleasant? Or a bit pleasant at all?

_Even if you embrace me until it's suffocating, we will never become one._  
_In a place deeper than gentleness touching each other is merely pain._  
_Please bind the two of us. We will dream no more, joining hands in uncertainty, walking towards the cruel dawn.  


* * *

_

I really need a comment on that; any ideas what and how to improve? What did you like, what not?_  
_


	6. Five: Memory

**Note:** So, the next chapter... damn, it's a bit short again...

* * *

_- And now you've become a part of me, you've always been my fear; I can't separate myself from what I've done. - (Linkin Park, Figure.09)_**  
**

**-Memory-**_  
_

Mello was leaning against a brick wall and waiting for a certain person to walk by. Even if he felt like collapsing and throwing up right on the street.  
One reason for it was his hangover that made his head feel as if it had been smashed against a wall for hours and made his stomach cringe.

The other reason was that he felt like complete shit. Because of that goddamn last night. The night he had acted like a fucking idiot and nearly slept with Matt. Almost raped him. _Matt_!

Fuck, that had really ruined it. Just like Matt told him.  
_"I...do like you too much to bear it that you just ruined everything because you were drunk and didn't have any idea what the hell you were doing!"_

Mello groaned. He could remember it. He could remember _a lot_ of what had happened last night.  
Yeah, he had been drunk. And not just a bit, for God's sake. But Mello couldn't get rid of the feeling that he hadn't been that drunk – so drunk that he hadn't been realizing what he had been doing.

Fuck. Why was he trying to deceive himself? He could not only remember what happened, but also that he had decided to do so. Shit, he could still remember how delicious Matt had been looking when he was lying on the couch. Sleeping, and his hair dishevelled, his shirt shifted so that it exposed a stain of his bare skin, his beautiful hip.

Mello groaned and smashed his fist into the wall behind him.  
The memory wasn't exactly clear, but still, it was too clear. Fuck, he hadn't been completely drunk.

He could still remember what he had been thinking before climbing on Matt. In fact, he actually did realize it wasn't such a good idea.  
Well, it was because he did like Matt too much to risk anything - but that was what he had been realising only after Matt told him.

What had been his reason for hesitating before? Well, he _did_ think of Matt as a friend, and his first argument had something to do with it.

Yeah. Because he thought that Matt wouldn't really help him anymore afterwards. Because sleeping with his assistant would have meant a damage for Mello, if Matt would actually break his loyalty.  
Because that would have been bad for Mello's carrier.

Shit. So the reason why he had been hesitating in first place was about that. Not because he could lose his friend, not because it could ruin the trust between them. Not because he could hurt Matt.

Hurt Matt. Yes, that was the reason why he stopped.

"_No...Mello, you don't know what you're doing!"_

Yes, he _had_ known what he had been doing all the time! Otherwise he wouldn't have been able to remember it in such detail. And he could even remember his own trail of thoughts. So he had actually been thinking. Okay, yes, he had known what he was doing! He could remember that as well...

Shitty consciousness; why did he have to have this memory? Why did he have to do everything last night somewhat consciously?

Why couldn't he just forget it now? Just kill the memory, like cutting off a sick part of a body to save the rest of it? To stop the process of dying by removing the sick part...

Mello slammed the door to their apartment shut and threw his coat on the floor. He stepped into the kitchen and saw Matt leaning against the counter, smoking a cigarette. He looked tired and exhausted.

Mello immediately felt emotions rush through his mind – confusion or guilt, whatever; it didn't matter. He had to stick to his character. To save their 'relationship'.

He glared at the redhead who looked now up and seemed to flinch slightly at the sight of Mello.  
"Matt! Have you finished work?" he scowled.

Matt blinked at him before answering. "No, sir. I'm on my way." He mumbled. His voice sounded...depressed. And sad.

Of course Matt had wanted him to tell him that he was sorry and that he couldn't really remember anything of what had happened last night.  
Of course Matt wanted him to show regret.

Mello wanted, in fact, nothing more than just saying sorry. To ask for forgiveness for his actions last night. And to state his irresponsibility for last night - he had been drunk, after all.

But at the same time he just couldn't do it. He couldn't just state something of which he wasn't sure himself. Well, he was even sure that he _was _responsible for last night. Mello had already figured out that he hadn't been too drunk.  
And that meant that he wanted it. That meant that Mello really had wanted to sleep with Matt.

And that was a really bad thing – that would only become more dangerous by being admitted.

Matt didn't want to cry, but he couldn't help it. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.  
He clenched his teeth, as hard as possible, to held in the sobs.  
Because he wasn't allowed to cry over just... nothing. He should be angry at Mello for being such an idiot, for just ignoring the almost-rape of the night before.

The problem about it was Matt's own reaction to it; he was thankful that he hadn't given in completely, because _he_ had, other than Mello, no excuse for it.

He definitely shouldn't have reacted on Mello when he was so foolish. Of course, he felt really desperate, depressed and hopeless because of his goddamn life. But somehow that didn't seem to fit together with wanting sex with Mello. There could be no connection!

At least there shouldn't be. But it somehow was there, nevertheless. Matt couldn't deny it. And that also proofed that his own decisions and his own mind couldn't be trusted right at the moment.

Kira was pulling him down into insanity. And Mello as well.

Even if it was hard to notice, Matt had seen how Mello had changed during the last few months. Even though he had only met him again after years only a few months ago.

And Matt couldn't get rid of the thought (and wish) that this was why Mello didn't say anything about the incident last night yet. Matt felt as if Mello just wanted to brush it aside. Brush everything aside that caused more trouble than they already had.

Because the trouble that made their lives hard couldn't be brushed aside. At least _Mello_ wouldn't just flee from that. So it was just sensible that he wanted to close his eyes and ignore everything else that could make him feel worse.

Matt snorted between sobs he hadn't noticed. He shook his head violently and pressed the palms of his hands on his eyes.

He felt so weak. Strange, after legitimating complete weakness to Mello... the weakness to be allowed to ignore his faults for his own happiness.  
Matt felt a sharp sting of sarcasm when he realized how masochistic it was, allowing someone else something like that while he wasn't even allowed to cry at the same time.

Maybe he was just fishing for compassion, after all. And wanted to bath in self-pity because he wanted to feel sick and masochistic...

Matt tried to calm his sobs with his hands; in the mean time, his blond partner was standing outside the door and listened to the sounds with a knitted forehead. He shook his head, his lips distorted and showing something like frustration or desperation.  
He massaged his forehead with one hand, as if trying to wipe out the sobs, as if they were stuck in his head.

He stayed in front of the door, not even considering opening it.  
Matt stayed behind the door, slouched down on the bed. Not even thinking of opening the door himself.

_A painful trouble is a rotten piece of meat you can swallow to get rid of. You'll choke to death from it because the body refuses to let the pain inside.__  
But you can force yourself to swallow nevertheless. Rotten food – something that was once good, but had been made bad by time – will rot you from the inside._  
_A swallowed pain even rots your stomach as well, until your guts are rotten and sick; it kills from the inside, something the own body wanted to prevent itself from._

_If you only close your eyes, they can't see the poison. Ignoring the pain is the only way to get rid of it that doesn't hurt. As long as the eyes don't see it, it's not there._


	7. Six: Autumn Breath

**Note: **Hmm, a chapter full of memories^^ making it a bit more fluffy ; ) ... okay, not exactly fluffy, but maybe it will get fluffy some time later!

I used the lyrics of _Not As We_ by Alanis Morissette.

**

* * *

- Autumn Breath -**

_- Reborn, and shivering; spat out on new terrain. Unsure, unconvincing._  
_This faint and shaking hour._  
_Gunshy, and quivering._  
_Timid, without a hand. -_

_In front of the big building of Wammy's House there was a large garden with a couple of trees. They were blooming in warm colors. Red, Orange. Brown. Copper. Orange. Orange all over.  
A teenaged boy sat under one of the trees, with shaggy red hair, dishevelled._

_He knelt on the hard floor, surrounded by a few blown away leaves. He was holding a stick in his hand and used it to dig into the soil. Stabbing and scratching, until he had produced a small hollow in front of him._

_He lifted the stick and stabbed it into the ground again, using so much force that it broke apart and his hand crashed on the leaves on the floor, the broken piece of wood flying away a few inches._

_The young boy just stared at the ground; his eyes were desperate, but didn't seem to perceive anything of what was going on. He was just staring into the air and over the high gate at the end of the yard. His green eyes were glued to the metal bars of it._

_He clenched his teeth together and started punching into the ground with his bare fist; raising his hand up to his head and slamming it down, over and over again. Like a machine, but his face was tense, eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed together in a line, his forehead in lines of concentration._

_- Day one, day one, start over again. Step one, step one, I'm barely making sense._  
_For now I'm faking it, 'til I'm pseudo-making it._  
_But this time I as I, and not as we. - _

.  
.

Matt was sitting at the kitchen table once again, with a cigarette in his mouth. He sucked in the pungent smoke and blew it out in a small cloud.

His eyes were fixed on the blond leaning against the counter. Mello was in his usual leather outfit that made him look as unique as he was. And dangerous, looking at the scar that stretched over the left half of his face.

He held a bar of chocolate in his hand and licked over it without changing his facial expression.

His eyes were cold. Sharp and noticing everything.  
Mello was staring back at him, and because Matt felt that he was looking right into his eyes, he avoided catching his gaze. He was pretending to be just staring past Mello, right into the air, like he wasn't noticing Mello's glare on him. As if he was deeply in thoughts. He wanted to try out how long he could go on with this before Mello would say something.

Well, in fact, he was just watching the blond in front of him, and tried to take in every lineament of his body. He felt as if he had to remember everything, every little detail.

His eyes swayed over Mello's delicate and determined face. Sharp cheekbones, cool eyes, straight, light eyebrows. A slim nose. Sharp lips, with clear outlines, but still looking so soft nevertheless.

He wore his rosary over the tight black leather vest. It was dangling down in front of his chest. This outfit suited Mello so much. His whole appearance was so determined, so keen, strong, powerful.

And even though all of the leather, like the tight trousers, usually should look fake and unnatural – for Matt it was just _Mello_. Natural and just himself.  
He had always been Mello, even though he had changed a lot during the past few years.

But Matt could still remember the moment he had fallen in love with Mello at Wammy's House.

_._

_The two of the boys were sitting on the stairs of the main entrance. It was summer and a warm day. Everyone else was playing a bit away from them, on the grass and on the football field._

_Mello was sitting one stair above Matt and smiled smugly. Matt was on the lower stair, to his right side. He sat propped up on one arm and looked over to the blond boy beside him. His hair glowed unnaturally in the sun light so that it appeared to be golden._

"_Matt, do you think life is fair?" he suddenly was asked. _

_The other boy breathed in before answering. "Hmm. No, I don't think so. Look what happened to our parents, or look at some of L's weird cases. I mean, people do really cruel things. That's unfair."  
Mello looked him straight into his eyes. Matt was amazed by the intensity of his gaze – even in such a situation that didn't seem to be that important to him._

"_That doesn't make sense," the blond said bluntly. "Look, I think life is fair. But - only if you work for it. Some people just don't try hard enough. It's their own fault if their life's shit."_

_Matt couldn't help but smile about his words. Not because they sounded childish to him but because Mello was so determined, so sure._

"_But, Mello, sometimes life's just shitty and you can't do anything. Like, if you get cancer or something like that. That has nothing to do with forming your own happiness or something like that."_

_Mello shook his head. "You can always do something! Life isn't unfair, if you're really trying it, you always get something in return. But if you're not doing anything, then, of course, you feel like life's unfair. Because you do nothing against it."_

_His light blue eyes were shining in the sunlight, and the light breeze brushed through Mello's blond hair. A tiny strand was blown over his eyes, and the rest of them was lifted slightly as the wind swept over their heads. The strand was blown into his face and touched the tip of his nose._

_Mello brushed it away impatiently and continued, eyes still on Matt's face. "Look, I'm not saying that you can become happy only by trying and working, just like that. That's crap. But I just think that it depends on the psyche of people. Some won't be happy, no matter what. So they blame life for stuff that wouldn't be so dramatic for different people. And if you don't try anything, like, resigning because of cancer, of course everything seems unfair! That's weak! Because nothing can get better out of nothing!"_

_Matt was completely absorbed by the power Mello was showing, by his aliveness. The way he used his hands, not helpless because he was searching for words, but just naturally._

_He thought for a moment because he didn't want the conversation to end. "But, still; if you're trying something very hard, you can get the impression that you don't reach anything at all. Like, if you only get a little further after working really hard. And that's damn disappointing." _

_Mello cocked his head a little. Matt chose his words on purpose, so that Mello could understand what he meant because he experienced it by himself. Always fighting for the first place._

_Suddenly he shook his head very determined. "That's only proof of a weak character who just wants to be unhappy. If you didn't get as far as you wanted, you'll get more motivated. Well, maybe angry, but that only makes you work harder, right?"_

_Matt couldn't help but stare and smile at him. That was so like Mello, so self-confident, so strong. He'd never lose his motivation. He'd never give up._

_Another breeze blew over them and ran through Mello's hair. He squinted his eyes in such a lovely, irritated way because he was completely involved in the conversation. The same strand was lifted over Mello's cheek once again. It brushed his skin so softly; Matt felt the stinging urge in his palm to reach out for it and touch Mello's face._

_He hesitated after he had already lifted his hand a few inches, but Mello looked so content and calm – he felt like he could dare it._

_So Matt lifted his fingers to Mello's face, slowly, and he saw how Mello drew his eyes away from Matt's and looked at his hand irritated. The other boy stretched out his fingertips and touched his cheekbone, such a fine line. He swayed his finger down to the lost strand, eyes flickering to Mello's, unsurely and asking. The blond had fixed his gaze at Matt once again; he looked startled, irritated, but not angry. And as he didn't move away, Matt moved his finger over Mello's cheek, brushing the piece of hair away gently. He tugged it behind Mello's ear carefully, and brushed over the blond hair while letting his hand fall down. _

_He wanted to tear his gaze away from Mello because of realisation and embarrassment, but then Mello took his hand in his own before he could act._

_Matt took in a sharp breath and looked down at their hands, then back at the blond's face. He felt a stinging and tearing sensation in his stomach. It almost hurt, and he felt himself tensening._

"_Sorry, Mello..." Matt murmured; his voice felt heavy and shaking because of nervousness._

"_It's okay, Matty." Mello answered calmly. Matt felt his face heat up at the sound of the pet name he knew from his earlier child years. It was the first time after years that he had been called it again. And in this situation, with the tingling feeling in his stomach, it felt different._

_Mello opened his hand and traced the lines of his palms with his index finger. The touch was so soft and gentle, but it burned on Matt's skin, making the feeling of tingle and needles almost painful._

_Matt inhaled sharply and his green eyes shot up to meet Mello's cool blue ones. Mello seemed to be very concentrated, and even though Matt was apparently embarrassed, Mello didn't seem to be angry. _

_In a swift motion, the blond leant forward and touched the hollow between Matt's neck and his collarbone with his forehead._

_He nuzzled into his skin and breathed out slowly so that Matt shuddered from the warmth. Mello's light hair tingled on the skin of Matt's throat and one strand had fallen down under the hem of his shirt. Mello moved his head a bit and Matt felt his lips touching his neck._

_He didn't know what to do - even though his body told him what to do very clearly, he didn't dare to move._

_The stayed in the same position without any move, Mello savouring the feeling of the skin under his lips and the scent of it; Matt concentrated completely on every single breath on his neck and the feeling of soft blond hair on his collarbone._


	8. Seven: Distraction

**Note: **So, this chapter isn't as nice as the last one, but it's important, for the characters development, I think. But it's a rather fast update, I'm amazed^^  
And next chapter will be longer again, I guess.

**

* * *

**

**- Distraction -**

"Mello. What's wrong?" Matt answered his phone after a few moments. Actually, it did take him pretty long.  
Mello rolled his eyes at the stiff tone of his voice. That guy wasn't seriously still angry at him because of that night? Dammit.

"Matt, come back to our apartment. I've got a new hint for you, okay? It's damn interesting." Mello answered and ignored the tone.

He didn't hear anything for a few moments and Mello wondered what Matt had been doing right now. Or where he had been the whole day. Probably observing the target persons, but he couldn't be sure. Matt was exactly the one to get away from his work if it bored him too much. Which happened a lot.

"I'm on my way." He murmured in the phone and hung up before Mello could add something. Not that he had wanted to. Still, Matt being so distant and cold, so overreacting and unforgiving was making him really angry. He didn't need him to rub anything into his face, even more than Mello did already by himself.

.  
.

Right now, Matt did everything to make Mello feel worse – as worse as possible, he'd say. Matt knew Mello for a long time already, so Mello couldn't see how Matt would bother him without wanting it. Rubbing it into Mello's face, that's what he was doing.

But only, what for? Why did this guy want to get Mello in a rage? Why did he want him to loose control?

Was it only revenge for Mello's stupid behaviour that night? Fucking idiot. If it was, it made Mello feel even worse. Because it made him more _guilty_.  
If Matt was really this mad at him it meant that he was hurt. At least extremely annoyed. But for closing himself off like that, Mello assumed that Matt actually had been hurt.

By him.

Shit; Matt was in some way his soul mate, his fate mate or something like that. As sappy as it sounded, Matt actually was the only one who was about in the same situation as Mello.  
Therefore Mello felt connected with him. Maybe just relieved to have someone going through the same shit as he himself.

And Mello really felt...guilty for treating Matt bad.

The simple reason was that he knew what Matt must be feeling like because of their 'shared fate'; and Mello knew very well that every single bad detail, every little thing that put an extra gram on the stack had a great influence. Just like he experienced it now by himself with the situation with Matt. Which made Mello _really_ feel way worse, knowing that Matt must feel similiar.

Even though he only felt bad because his mind _forced_ him to think of how Matt must feel. Mello groaned. Why did he have to get into such a damn circle of despair and guilt? Why did he have to analyze every single emotion?

Because it was _distraction_. Even though a pathetic one.

So that was why he cared that much about Matt feeling the same way as him – because he wanted to distract _himself_ by feeling guilty for Matt.  
A sadist acting sadistic because he was a masochist?

What a rotten personality. But still so human. What a rotten world full of rotten people.

Mello growled at the redhead on the other side of the kitchen. He was keeping distance, and he was showing Mello all of his anger. Or his hurt or whatever made Matt act like that ignorant bastard he was right now.

Mello walked over to the other side of the kitchen and opened the cupboard right next to Matt. Matt moved away – determined and automatically.

Like a child that had been abused by his parents.

Mello snorted at that thought and slammed the door of the cupboard close. Matt didn't even flinch but only continued staring into nothing with his arms crossed over his vest.

"Matt" he hissed angrily. Frustrated, because of Matt making his guilt increase. The other didn't even look at him when he responded.  
"Mello." With a cold voice. Uninterested. Distanced. "So I'll just start observation, right?"

"Right!" Mello answered. Almost growled. He took a few steps toward Matt and stepped into his sight. This steady ignoring really made him feel frustrated.  
Matt's eyes flickered up to him and he turned his back toward Mello to walk over to the couch. He leant against it's back and looked back in Mello's direction, but avoiding his eyes.

"So, when should I get the bugs installed?" he asked coolly.

Mello furrowed his eyes. He didn't want to snap at him because this was an important thing.  
"Now, douchebag" he growled at him.

Matt ignored him and simply shrugged his shoulders, walked over to the door and left without saying anything more.

Mello stared at the door with an angry face before he grabbed the bar of chocolate that had been lying on the table and smashed it against the door with all of his force.

_-I always did nothing but repeatedly make you sad._  
_Surely I hurt even you; I cannot move._  
_Why is it this painful to touch you?_  
_Surely it's because I'm afraid that I'll repeat the same things and end up losing you.-_

.  
.

Matt leant against a wall in his usual manner, with a cigarette in his mouth. His eyes were fixed on the other side of the street where a few people were passing by. He followed a pair of them with his eyes, but his thoughts weren't fixed like his eyes.

They were straying around nothing particular – well, after all, there was the common topic _Mello_ they were about.

Mello really didn't seem to be that much sorry for what he did. He didn't seem to show any reaction or emotion about what had happened, so he obviously had been very drunk indeed. So that he couldn't remember it.

Or it was just, plain and boring, that Mello didn't care.

He snorted. Not so unlikely. That would actually fit. Mello didn't want to care that much about people, especially not now.

And Matt knew that this was only good; because Mello really had to go through some pretty tough time during the last years. He assumed it at least, as Mello didn't really talk that much about it. But being with the Mafia couldn't quite be a piece of cake.

Mello was a genius. He thought rationally, even if his emotions that sometimes leaked through often made people think that he was more impulsive.  
And a rationalist wouldn't let _care_ _for people_ get in his way.

Neither did Matt – he really wasn't the one to cry for people he hurt on his 'way'; whatever this way was supposed to be.

Maybe he was more chilled, more distant to everything while Mello was more emotional. And emotional meant cold as well, what Mello really was a lot. A pretty damn _lot_.

Matt cursed suddenly. He had lost his targets. Quickly he jumped away from the wall and checked the street on the other side. He could make them out somewhere far down the street and hurried after the persons.

He couldn't fail at this job, not now. Concentration…

He needed to follow and find out where they were going and head back to the apartment he had seen them coming out from, to install the bugs. There was absolutely no time for fooling around, and sure as hell no chance to lose the targets. That would be a lethal mistake…. Literally.

Fucking lethal life.


	9. Eight: Sleep

**Note:** This update took me really long, 'cause I've been on a schooltrip for one week... but at least it gave me a lot of time to think about how the story will go on.^^ And I think it will still be about 11 chapters more from now on. Hope you like it!^^

**

* * *

- Sleep -**

Matt entered the door to their common apartment and let his back fall against it as soon as it was closed.  
He groaned with closed eyes and felt how his legs gave in and he fell on his knees, letting his head sink on the floor.

He took a deep breath and tried to relax his hurting muscles. Every single bone and every damn muscle seemed to be in pain. Matt felt the parts of his body that had been attacked by Mello a few days before still sore and sensitive, but the rest of him was almost as damaged as the bruised parts, tensed up and sore.

He stayed in the same position until he felt a boot being smacked into his waist. Matt groaned but he looked up immediately. Mello glared at him, arms crossed in front of his leather clad chest. He looked angry, but at least a bit concerned.

Through his tired mind Matt felt somehow happy that he wasn't alone. Even though that probably meant a fight with Mello, he had finally some company at all today. After the long hours of staying awake while watching boring people doing nothing he was completely frustrated and just glad to get something different eventually.

Matt tried to smile and struggled a bit to get up, but gave up when he felt another sharp pain in his spine.

"Hey, Mello." He greeted, but had no idea what to continue. He didn't want to talk about his work now because he could already picture the blonde's reaction. And that would hurt, physically.  
He didn't have the strength to tell him now, and he wanted to relax. And enjoy the image of something close to a home.

Mello kicked him again and Matt noticed that his eyes had shut once again. He blinked and scanned over Mello's slim face. He looked just as exhausted as he himself, maybe worse. He had dark bags under his bright eyes and looked very pale, his skin of a color that was similar to ash. His hair was shaggy and disheveled.

"Idiot. Don't sleep in front of the door. I need to get out, y'know?"

Matt struggled once again to get up. "Mello, you need to sleep as well. You look really shitty."

Mello snorted. "I don't have the time!" he bit with his sharp voice at him.

Matt sighed tiredly. "Mello, just… be careful with yourself, 'kay? I'm not the one to look after you…."

He looked up again to see Mello's face…sad. Or frustrated. Or desperate. For God's sake, he couldn't read his fucking mind...  
Mello just stared at him for a while before he answered. It seemed to be an eternity, but due to his lack of sleep Matt had completely lost any sense of time.

"You used to, anyway." He answered quietly.

"…..huh?" Matt asked perplexed.

Mello continued to stare at him, apparently completely burnt out.  
"Well, you used to … care about me at some time. And looked after me."

Matt blinked in confusion. "Never said I didn't care about you now." He mumbled.

Mello blinked and sighed.  
"You just kinda … looked after me, y'know? You really watched me. Like best friends do."

Matt shook his head. "Yeah, before you left me. Y'know, it wasn't exactly the best thing to do to show me that you wanted me to look after you. It just … wasn't that motivating…"

_.  
A young redhaired teen sat on the couch of the common room, his eyes hidden by his hair and his arms crossed in front of his chest.  
Another boy, younger, was standing in front of him and trying to persuade him in some way._

_The redhead stared at his feet and answered harshly._

_As the other boy didn't want to give up, he suddenly jumped up and smashed his fist in the other boy's waist hardly so that he stumbled backwards and fell down. _

_The redhead sat back down with crossed arms and continued staring at the floor with bowed head._

"Matt…" he could hear the blond saying. Probably he thought that he had almost fallen asleep once again; anyway, Mello had sounded way nicer now. Or simply damn tired.  
Goddammit, he was just too tired to go on interpreting every little thing Mello did, just because… Matt wanted some distraction? Always the same…

Matt lifted his head again and tried to smile. He just couldn't hold up the façade any longer…. Even though he was hurt by Mello, in multiple ways – he just needed him.  
It was way more hurting to not have anyone.  
Mello was way too important.

Fuck, he couldn't help but being nice.  
And getting hurt again and again. Wow. How dramatic...

Mello bent down and kneeled down on front of him. His blue eyes searched his and locked with them.

"Matt… " he repeated. Probably searching for words.

.

"_Matt…" the blond whispered to the sleeping boy. He kneeled down in front of him and touched his cheek with his fingers.__  
The boy stirred and opened his eyes, blinking a few times before he recognized him._

_Mello smiled but didn't want to move away, even if it was a strange situation, being so close… he wanted to be close to Matt.  
_

_He caressed the others disheveled hair and leant forward slowly. He felt Matt's hitched breath when he touched his soft lips with his own._

_He forced himself not to think and did nothing else than moving his lips slowly, to taste the other lips… he heard a soft sigh coming from the boy in front of him and felt Matt's sleep warm hands on his neck.  
._

" Matt… you can't change it…" Mello murmured while staring into Matt's eyes.  
The other snorted. Without any effort behind it. Fuck, he was just … so tired as well.

"What d'you mean?" Matt asked.

He hesitated a moment. "Just … what happened, y'know? That I've left. Or that life has become such a fucking crap."

Matt furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head. "You're being dramatic now, right?"

He didn't answer it; Matt was right, he was being... melancholic right now. But just because of that he wanted to share his bad feelings with Matt.  
If only Matt wouldn't be so damn restricting. He could feel that Matt was about in the same mental situation as him, that something was causing him problems as well…

"It's just that… I just don't want to go on like this… I hate this fucking life right now. And… a past that actually had been somehow happy is… y'know, it fucking hurts even more." Matt murmured.

Mello's eyes shot from Matt's neck back up to his green eyes. He looked really in pain.  
But what had said had just been the perfect description of what Mello was feeling like personally.

He stretched out his arms and reached behind Matt's neck. He saw how the other gave him an angry look, but apparently he was too… tired to shove him away. Maybe he needed the closeness, after all.

Why was _he_ doing it, anyway? Did he need the closeness?  
Yes. He just had the desperate feeling that only a touch could make him feel any better. Could give him the feeling that someone was still close to him.

Matt sighed as he felt Mello's hands on his neck. Warm and caring. That's what he was pretending. That's what he was craving for… And it was such an easy illusion, so easy to uphold with Mello's goddamn soothing hands on him and this melancholic moment he was just having…

He leant in towards Mello and moved his own hands up to the blond hair and let his head sink onto the sleek leather on Mello's chest…  
He moved his hands through Mello's untidy hair and breathed in his scent. It was so different and didn't suit 'Mello' as he was thinking of him at the moment.

'Mello' when he was younger and when they had been closer, in these happy times.

This scent was exciting and mature. Very mature, almost dangerous. Maybe just because he knew who it belonged to.  
But so exciting…

He felt Mello's breath on his neck and shuddered from the warmth. He suddenly wanted nothing more than just... be close to him, as close as possible.

Matt lifted his head again and looked into Mello's face. His eyes were closed now, and he still looked exhausted. Somehow so sensible. Even though he was fully aware of that he was only being carried away be the melancholic moment, Matt leant in closer to the blond's face and touched his lips in a kiss.

The touch sent a shudder through his body and he noticed how Mello's eyes shot open the instant he kissed him, in surprise.

Matt didn't pull away, nor did Mello.

Instead, Matt was suddenly pushed against the door in his back slowly. He moaned and started moving his lips with Mello's, who quickly responded and opened his mouth.  
Matt felt his strong tongue brushing over his own lips; he could also feel him using his teeth to slightly touch his lips, like a weak bite.

Matt moved one hand down towards Mello's chest and let it slide over the black leather, down to the hem. His hand slid under the clothing and he felt Mello's warm skin. Matt's fingers moved upwards and he felt a deep groan wandering through the blonde's body.

Suddenly, he was more captivated by the kiss than before when Mello suddenly started sucking at his bottom lip. Very passionately, so that it made Matt concentrate only on the kiss, nothing else…

"M-mel…" he murmured into the kiss. Without even knowing what exactly he wanted to say.

Fuck, of course he knew, in the back of his mind, that making out with Mello was probably strange. But it wasn't like the one night Mello had been drunk. Dammit, who did ever say they weren't allowed to do more than friends?

...He felt that this was bad after all… that there was a reason why he hadn't started a relationship with Mello. Because they had tried something like that a few years ago.

Instead of recalling what went wrong, Matt couldn't help but remembering how awesome the thrill of this pseudo romance had been, this game...whatever it must have been for Mello.  
For him, it definitely had been important. Their first kiss, which had been started by Mello, of course. How he had been craving for more, the thrilling sensations...

The memory flooded through Matt's mind and forced him deeper into the passionate kiss, his tongue now moving around Mello's mouth and his hands entangled in blond hair and resting on warm pale skin.

Suddenly, he felt Mello once again pushing him down with his hands on his neck and shoulders so that he was lying under the blond.  
Mello shifted without breaking their mouth contact and straddled him with his legs. He positioned himself on top of him. The feeling of Mello's hips on his own sent a wave of warmness through his body.

He couldn't hold back another moan as Mello bent down and touched his own chest with his, so close…

"Mmm...Mel..lo.." he brought out stuttering through the kiss.  
Mello groaned into his mouth, causing a soft vibration.

"Matt...just enjoy it... okay" he murmured softly.

_Enjoy it... _this sounded so completely… different from how Matt had been feeling before – this whole thing was going down a different, a wrong way.  
Well, he had been searching for closeness and comfort ..and wasn't it exactly what he was getting now? What exactly was wrong now?

Mello suddenly withdrew his lips. He looked up at the blond.  
"Matt...You can't just...stop thinking, right? You can't just take this easy, do you?"

Matt blinked at him. Once again, surprisingly sensible and noticing... Mello was almost scary only by being so damn unexpectable.

"How d'you know that?" he finally asked.

Mello rolled his eyes and let his cheek rest against Matt's jaw. The hard lined feature of his face felt so good on Matt's skin...

"'cause you're so... distracted."  
Matt chuckled weakly. "Distracted? While you're lying on top of me on the floor and kissing me? How strange." he added sarcastically. He felt the weight of Mello's head on his own while moving his jaw during talking. And his blond hair was so sweet, disordered, by looking at it from that close.

And Matt didn't want to destroy his 'illusion' of the moment; so he had just decided not to answer properly. He didn't want to talk about it – that he was distracted because he was feeling uncomfortable, faking a moment of closeness like that.  
Admitting that he was feeling like a hypocrite… God, so overdramatic.

Mello shifted his head a little so that Matt felt his warm breath on his skin. "Oh, but I thought you liked it, Matty." He murmured, causing a shiver from Matt once again.

Matt removed his hands from Mello's chest to wrap them around his back tightly.  
Mello didn't move for a moment before he returned the gesture, holding him tightly. Matt could feel Mello's hands on his back and shoulders, his hips on him, his cheek on his jaw, his chest on his own – all of that contact was enough to distract him.  
The pain and grief didn't melt away, not even for a moment. But it was dulled and soothed in this sweet, night blue moment.


	10. Nine: Drag Down

**Note:** Yay, I like this chapter! What do you think about it?  
Tell me what I shall improve!

- Again, I used some lyrics. It's _Chizuru _by The GazettE this time. I also marked it in the text. 

_

* * *

-I want to feel pain that swallows everything else; the one that brings relief by killing everything must be a pain that is so strong that it makes you gasp for air, a cold and sharp blade that does not only impress on your skin but cuts it open.__  
The only relief is this everything-swallowing pain.-_

**- Drag Down-**

The wind blew warmly around his head when Matt walked along the street, face down to the street. The air was depressing, it caused him a nausea and the feeling of a grip deep in his guts.  
His steps became faster as he tried to walk as fast as possible without falling into running speed.  
The steady and confident steps of the men behind him increased the feeling that they had already chosen him as their target.

He kept his head bent down to the street and tried to walk as close to the walls as possible; he was very sure that the men had noticed him putting up the cameras at the entrance of the building they were using as a head quarter. And judging the determination they were following him, with they could also guess how much Matt knew about the actions of their company.

Matt turned around the next corner as fast and unsuspicious as possible, trying to dive into the thin stream of passing people that were surrounding him.  
He had reached a larger street with more people around and headed towards a small corner between two stores; he turned his head and watched the three men walking straight over to him, all of their eyes fixed on him.

"Fuck…" he muttered and slid his hand under his vest to search for his gun. He wanted to avoid their death if it was possible, but before getting shot, he'd still have to defend himself.  
His fingers curled around the warm, solid grip of the gun.  
The air was still so warm, with an unpleasant smell, sweet, but still very strong; the gas of the cars mixed with something rotten that was probably hidden in the canalization.

The man who was the closest to him had his eyes glued on his face, and Matt noticed that one hand was hidden in his pocket; he fixed his own eyes on the hand and prepared himself to act quickly and take the weapon from the man; the muscles in his legs and arms were tensing in preparation.  
The man got closer, he was only a few steps away; Matt felt his body tensing further, trusting on his instincts to be able to act quickly.  
The man started removing his hand from the pocket and Matt immediately leapt forwards, reaching out for the man's wrist and grabbing it.

At the same time he felt a hard pain at the side of his neck, a hard sting as a needle was slammed into his skin.  
His head shot around and he noticed another man standing right next to him; he was pulling an injection out of his neck, with a triumphant smile on his big and doughy face.  
Matt looked down at the wrist he was grabbing and saw how the man removed the hand completely from his pocket. The movement was getting slower and started to swirl a little, the scene around him seeming to be vibrating; Matt felt a pressure on his ears and a deep humming sound that made him feel dizzy.

The hand of the man was completely empty when he pulled it outside; suddenly he seemed to leap forward, as if the whole picture in front of him was pulled a stage further into the front; Matt noticed how he wasn't able to determine the position of things anymore.

He felt how his muscles got numb and heavy, not able to carry his own body anymore. His legs gave up and he fell on his knees. He was still holding the wrist of the man in front of him, a remaining instinct.  
Fallen on his knees, grasping to the hand in front of him that belonged to a tall, dark-coated man – it reminded of a praying scene. Matt looked ironically like was clinging to a hand that assured him absolution, grasping the hand as if it was the one of a priest or king.

He could see the other men closing towards him, but the movements were blurring and swirling, so that it was hard to tell where exactly they were standing at all.

He felt a strong grip on his shoulders, from both sides. His other hand was pulled behind his back to prevent any move of trying to escape.

Behind the figures in front of him another man was heading towards the group. Matt couldn't see how far away he was, the whole scene seemed to be jumping back and forth without control, but within the split of a moment a shot was rolling through his ears, so loud that it resonated through all of his bones and as slow as a thunder.  
One of the men next to Matt yanked up from the shot, his body and shoulders seemed to be pulled up by strings; it looked as if he was jumping in the air from the impact.

Blood streamed out if his body in a gush, even before the hand was falling from Matt's shoulder.  
The blood seemed to be flooding, moving on his own, like a sticky gallertmass. The man broke down and the sound of his body connecting with the asphalt sent another wave of thunder through Matt's ears, rolling as loud as the first, but echoing and quivering stronger, as if it was distorted by water…

The second man broke down next to him, his shoulder hit Matt's so that he was smacked to the side.  
He felt a warm mass on his side at the same time, getting more and more, the temperature seemed to be rising, it almost burned his skin.  
Matt felt the weight of the body resting on him, still moving and struggling. His own body, at the same time, seemed to have gone completely numb. He was unable to move, as if his muscles had been removed in the meantime.

His vision was blurring completely now; he wasn't anymore able to see clearly, he felt blinded. Matt could see nothing more than the silhouettes of his surroundings, and he felt as if he had to press his eyes together to get hold of the things; every motion was distorted, blurring and jumping from close to far away. Every move made the blending structures of things blur and leaving a trail. The vibrating, deep hum was getting more intense, penetrating, and Matt felt how his brain was slowed down completely, the hum too loud for any thoughts, the motions too fast and blurring for any impression. He noticed fast motions in front of him, and it looked as if the man whose wrist he was holding was enlarging his form, like a mutation…

Another salve of thunders rolled through his ears, so loud that all of his bones were hurting, vibrating. The body against his own that pushed him to the ground was moving against him, shoving; the burning wetness on his side was rubbed into his skin, crawling deeper and deeper into his flesh, spreading like tentacles.

Something was pulling at Matt's hand, so hard that his brain seemed to hurt and scream from all the intense impressions at the same time.

The thunder was still rolling, it seemed to be getting louder and louder with every moment, penetrating.

A quick row of motions followed right in front of Matt, so fast that he couldn't recognize what was happening because of the closeness and the distortion of everything.

Right then Matt noticed that his lungs started getting limb as well, breathing was getting heavy. Hard. He needed to concentrate on every breath, which was nearly impossible with the state his mind was in at the moment.  
Every breath seemed so heavy, like moving through thick water, with arms and legs tied together.

The next thing he noticed was that another body impacted on the ground, this time causing a loud and harsh sound that made him flinch inwardly.

Matt wanted to close his eyes to escape the flood of distracting and painful impressions, but found himself unable to do even that.

Another silhouette was moving in front of him, apparently very close. Matt felt a sort of alertness, signalizing him to check the situation.  
But he wasn't able to think anything properly with the loud thundering sounds in his head and the blending blur everything was.

He just didn't know how to do anything and felt completely helpless and clueless.

The body was covering his sight now, he felt something very sleek on his neck, pressing into his skin for long seconds, so that he felt every single slow heart beat against the impact.  
Every time the blood was flooded through his body caused a wave of sound in his body.

He felt how his lungs had to work and how he had to lift his chest with every single breath.  
Suddenly, the suppressing weight on Matt's body was ripped away, a very hard motion that moved his body like a lifeless puppet.

Matt felt the person in front of him very close to his ear, and recognized that he was saying something… but the sound was so distorted that everything blurred into a loud, vibrating hum next to his ear.  
He tried to move away from the closeness, but found his muscles still completely out of his control. The close body was scaring him, he wanted to flinch away instinctively.

Suddenly, just when the loud sounds started ebbing off, he felt his body being lifted up. He felt a very strong grip on his arms, a pulling pain. His feet were pulled across the ground, so that Matt got the feeling of his body being torn apart – his arms being pulled into one direction and his feet seemed to be glued to the ground, as if they were being pulled into the opposite direction by the asphalt.

He felt how he was pulled forwards with every step, always a strong, fast move with a short pause following…

The way seemed endless, and Matt felt as if the grip on his arms and the pull it caused in his chest made breathing even harder; his lung felt as if it was pressed together and he had to use all of his force to fight against it….

His body was still getting jerked away the very long way. Every step made the swoosh in his eardrums grew louder and more penetrating.

Suddenly, the movements stopped abruptly and Matt felt his body slumping down immediately, and the blending brightness around him seemed to be getting more engrossing, the spinning of the surroundings disabling him to get any idea of his surroundings.

Sometime later, Matt felt a grip around his chest, and a very strong jerk backwards.  
He felt himself being lifted and noticed that his surroundings were darkening, the pounding sounds being dulled slightly.  
His body was set down and he felt his back connecting with a soft surface, so soft that he was sinking in a few centimeters and it didn't give him any hold, so that he felt as if he was sinking in water.

Another very loud sound rolled through the air, sharp and shaking. It was followed by a touch on Matt's cheek, something sleek, and he could make out the silhouette of a body in front of him, even if it was too bright and too blending to see any detail.

He felt another touch on his neck, on his throat. The cool surface rested for a while on his skin, cooling it pleasantly. The pressure made him feel every single sluggish move of his own heart. It was so slow and so heavy, every pause seemed to be getting longer.

So unbearable slow, so unbearable bright and blinding, so unbearable loud, so unbearable sluggish, everything.

_-The blurred white trembles, I seem to have forgotten words. Where will my tears flow?_  
_Call my name. Hold me as I break._  
_I'm afraid to lose anything more.- Chizuru_

.

"_Mello…" a faint murmur, coming from the younger boy at his side. The blond moved his head, looking down at the sleepy boy lying on the warm, wooden floor of the attic. Warm strands of sunlight were flooding inside, making the air glow from the dust in it.  
"Mello." Matt whispered at him._

_His eyes looked up at him, and Mello was surprised to see them so sad, shining from the emotion that clung to them.  
_

" _Please don't try so hard to become the best all the time. It's really not good for you, trust me."  
The corners of Mello's mouth twitched, but he pulled himself together, keeping his face calm.  
_

"_Okay, explain that, please." Matt's eyes were still fixed on him.  
"It's because I don't want you to be sad, y'know. And if you're always struggling and fighting, you'll lose sight of anything else."  
._

Mello's eyes swayed to the motionless body sitting next to him. The red hair was so disordered, the clothes dirty from being dragged over the street by him.  
His head had fallen to the side and his shoulders and back were slouched.  
His eyes were closed now; finally, after they had been opened all the time, uselessly.  
The whole time Mello had dragged him to his car Matt's eyes had been opened, without seeing anything.

Not only the fact that there hadn't been any reaction, like talk, coming from Matt the whole time made him sure of that. Mello knew that Matt was probably too drugged to be able to speak, respecting the fact that he couldn't really move by himself, either.

However pathetic it may sound, Matt's eyes had been so empty. Not like they were always full of emotions anyway - and not only when Mello was with Matt, but with everyone.  
Matt was always stable-mooded, he didn't get driven away by situations that easily. So his eyes were not the ones to show a million of emotions that often…

But they actually had been empty. Mello found no better word that didn't sound so pathethic to say it.  
Matt's eyes had been staring just right through everything, even though he had been moving them around, trying to follow what was happening. But this trying was nothing more than a weak struggle under the surface, suppressed by the drugs he had been intoxicated with.

Mello looked at Matt's chest; he couldn't even see the faint lifting of his breath. He had just checked his pulse; it was shocking how low it was, almost imperceptible.

On the one hand, Mello doubted that the men Matt had been attacked by had wanted to kill him with an injection. It was much more likely that they wanted to numb him enough to kidnap him.  
But, on the other hand, it wouldn't have been necessary to use such a strong dose of medicamentation only for that.  
There was still the danger that Matt reacted in a wrong way to the drug – because it had been overdosed or for some different reason… But especially with such a weak pulse, Mello feared that the dose could have been lethal.

"Fuck…" he muttered.  
He definitely didn't have the right equipment to cure Matt or give him first aid in case of an poisoning.

He didn't have anything to save his goddamn life…


	11. Ten: Flowing Amber

**A/N:** Finally, a chapter with sweet fluff! So melancholic, as always... Well, let's see whether I can complete this! Hope there aren't a lot of mistakes, I didn't have that much time to check it.  
Review if you want to - and tell me if you like it!

* * *

**-Flowing Amber-**

Mello stumbled through the door, Matt's arm wrapped around his shoulders; he was so heavy, putting all of his weight on Mello.  
He kicked the door shut and moved towards the couch; he looked at it for a moment, examining the shabby old cushions, before he dragged him into the direction of the bedroom.

He loosened the grip he had on Matt's arms and let his motionless body drop on the bed.  
The blond stretched his aching back once before he bent over the redhead and began to remove his vest.  
It was wet with the blood of one of the kidnappers and he feared that it would give Matt a freezing attack, especially with such a weak body.

He grabbed the boots and pulled them off Matt's feet as well before he put one arm under Matt's back and one under his legs and pulled him into the center of the bed, in a comfortable and stable position.

During the whole moving there hadn't been one sound that escaped from Matt's mouth.  
Mello looked down at the weak body, foreign blood on his face.

He looked so weak. So fragile. His eyes were still closed, and it hurt Mello that his body didn't have the strength to keep them open anymore; his body was so weak that it was completely in hibernate mode.

The blond sat down next to the redhead, with one hand on his shoulder, trying to be smoothing, even if there was absolutely no use of that move.  
Because there was no need to smooth or relax him if he wasn't even aware of anything that was happening around him anymore.

Mello sighed and brushed over the crimson red hair.  
God, he was so scared. So in despair. Shocked.  
He felt like all of his senses, especially his brain, had been sharpened, increased in functionality by his fear. A natural reflex, of course. His body wanted to tell him to be alerted because he had sensed danger.  
And there actually was a danger for him, personally. Because he still depended on Matt, he relied on him. He was the only person that gave him the feeling of importance deep inside.  
There were other things that caused the feeling of importance, even a stronger one.  
Like his always present wish of revenge, of a just world… all of the childish dreams he was living for. Better said, suffering for.  
The things he endured in all of these unpleasant, painful hours.

But Matt actually was the only person who caused a feeling that was near to those ones that kept him living, kept him running, working.  
Matt was important. Not the reason he suffered for, though. Not if there were so much more urgent things on his mind; revenge and justice, it was stronger than his feelings and personal bounds.

But they were still enough to make him suffer. A lot.  
And if there wouldn't have been any things like this rotten Kira, Matt would have probably been the most important thing for Mello.

On the other side, wasn't Matt's importance now born from the overwhelming presence of the problems that kept him running?  
Maybe it was just because this importance of a person was another escape, a distraction, just something else.  
Something that gave him the illusion of a normal life; depending on another person, suffering from their pain just like from your own – it was just natural, normal and healthy.  
Something that enabled him to suffer from something else.

And something he wouldn't need, wouldn't _want_ to have with a normal life?

Would he _need_ Matt at all if he would have been able to live a normal life?

He looked down at the redhead. Lost in dark sleep, completely knocked out… His mouth and eyebrows distorted in pain.  
It was strange how Mello wanted nothing more than seeing Matt's open eyes now, he pined over any living expression in those green eyes… Seeing pain would have made him feel better, would have nourished his sanity…

Mello sighed and let his head fall down on Matt's chest. He was purely and simply desperate, full of fear for Matt…  
And just wanted something to prove him that his fear was without reason, that there was really no need to sorrow.

Four hours. Four fucking hours since the incident… Four hours in which Matt hasn't done anything but sleeping.  
There were slight murmurs, or moans… but nothing more but signs that his body was still alive at least.

.

Mello's blond head was lying on Matt's chest, his body sprawled out next to the redhead.  
"Mmm-Mello..." finally there was a faint murmur that made Mello lift his head immediately.

He blinked a few times and looked down at the other.  
Matt had finally opened his eyes and was looking very confused and extremely tired.

Mello sighed and felt a great wave of relief surge through his body.  
He bent down and gently put his arms around Matt's shoulders; his forehead was lying on Matt's throat.

"Matt… You're finally talking to me..." he whispered.  
He felt Matt shifting slightly under him before he wrapped his arms around Mello's back, clasping it with all of his little strength.

"I-I still can't see... properly, Mello." He muttered, his voice was shaking.  
Mello brought his hands up to Matt's hair and stroked over it soothingly.  
"You'll be fine, idiot. Don't panic." He answered with a gentle voice.

Mello kept his arms around Matt, lying there for some time until he felt the grip on his back getting weaker.

Suddenly, Mello felt a burning feeling in his throat, a tingle. And he felt his eyes filling with salty liquid.

He didn't know why exactly he was crying; he was feeling almost happy, relieved.  
This bothering and fearing for Matt hadn't allowed him to calm down and relax in the last few hours.

Damn, he was feeling so confused, totally overtired.  
But still, so childishly happy…

He felt the warm tears roll over his skin, dripping down on Matt's neck as he tried to keep them out of his eyes stubbornly. It was so silly to cry now.

Suddenly, Matt moved again next to him, he felt his hands twitch on his back. Matt shifted his head under Mello's cheek and tried to look into his face.  
Mello refused to let Matt see him crying because of nothing. He felt ashamed anyway, no need to let Matt see him and make things worse for himself.

But Matt moved his head so that Mello had to remove his forehead from his neck. He felt one of Matt's still way too cold hands on his jaw as the redhead lifted his face respectfully.  
Mello had no idea what exactly gave him the feeling that Matt was being respectful right now. Thankful would have made sense. Careful, because it was always a good idea to be careful around Mello.  
But somehow, this gentle touch, this slow lift of his chin – it was a respecting move.  
It gave him the feeling that there was more between them than just the necessary bounds of usefulness. That there was another reason why they were staying together than the mere use.

Mello looked into Matt's eyes. They were tired, with dark bags under them. But they looked at him with a stable emotion, something that expressed the securing feeling of unchanging stability which was part of Matt's character.

Suddenly, Matt's mouth curled into a content smile. "God, I'm so happy you were there to get me…" he murmured.  
Mello furrowed his eyebrows. "You remember that? I thought you'd been too drugged to notice anything."

Matt closed his eyes and shook his head with a quirked forehead. "No… Fuck, I can remember the whole shit… I don't really know what I've been poisoned with, but I can still feel the effect of it. Yeah, and the after-effects as well. Goddamn headache…. I'm still dizzy and see blurry."

Mello tried a weak smile despite his tears. The feeling of safety, of a heal world which filled him caused a warmth that floated through his body.  
Sweet. Not bitter sweet, this time.  
Everything seemed to be all right just right now.

The redhead in front of him kept their eyes locked, a smile on his face.  
As drastic as his physical state had been sounding, he still looked so content, just like Mello felt.  
Thankful. Content.

Mello leant in towards Matt and touched his cheek with his own.  
In response he felt how Matt wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Holding him tightly. Securely.  
Mello sighed blissfully and moved one hand through the red hair. It was so disordered, so untidy, of course, after what had happened.

He looked up into Matt's eyes once again, searching for his true, deep emotions in the dark green.  
How he loved his eyes… the looks they were giving him.  
Matt calmed him down. He was his relaxation. He could feel the calmness filling him like a clear breath every time he was close to Matt.

Mello lifted his cheek a bit from Matt's skin before he touched his lips with his own.  
Very carefully. Asking. And thanking at the same time.  
He wanted to put so much emotion in this touch, because he felt so overwhelmed by it at this moment; he just felt how the perfectness of this moment screamed for any romantic action, anything to show the redhead how much he was for him.

So he just kept the contact between the pair of their lips, soft skin on soft skin.  
He searched for Matt's eyes again and tried to read any emotions in them. He was still looking content, calm. The green seemed to be softer now… like soft grass.

And after a few moments, he kissed back, answered with the same, soft tenderness Mello had been trying to express.  
The sensation reminded him of amber, liquid amber. So warm, so soft, so soothing… Their lips were melting together, perfectly synchronized. Like two beating hearts.

He was falling into the moment, sinking into its softness.  
He was trying to search for the right impression in his head, but couldn't quite get a hold of what exactly made it so perfect.

Mello locked his arms around Matt's neck, holding him tightly. Not wanting to let him go. Trying to get as much closeness and tenderness as possible.

.  
Matt lifted his hand up to the blond's head, pulling his fingers through the untidy strands.  
Slowly, calmly, the connection of their lips was broken.  
Matt looked into his eyes for a short second before he spoke with probably the most tender voice he could find.

"Mello, thank you."  
The blond furrowed his eyebrows and gave him a questioning look. "Why? Thank you for what?"

Matt smiled at him. "Because you're there, with me. So that I have an important person with me, someone to care for."

Mello blinked, startled. He scrutinized his face, so calm and genuine.  
And was trying to get hold of the words he felt and which he wanted to tell him.  
"Matt… You're the one who had always been there for me. You are… so important for me. And I just need you, because you're the best thing that ever happened to me, really."

God, how sappy that sounded… but it was in fact nothing more than a realistic coverage of the emotional state he was in right now.

"God, I'm so happy you need me…." Matt murmured, his eyes not moving away from Mello's for a single moment.  
"I really do, Matty." Mello murmured.  
Matty… he hoped Matt wouldn't bother that he used his nickname. It gave him a good feeling and seemed just right for someone so dear to him.

Matt's eyes were widened slightly, showing nothing more than mild surprise, before he smiled at Mello.

His face was so relaxed - the pure image of blissfulness.  
"You don't like me calling you Matty, right?" Mello asked. He had no fear of offending him because the mood of the moment was so genuine and filled with trust.

Matt sighed before he answered, his eyes now fixing a strand of hair next to Mello's eyes.  
"Yes, I do. It's beautiful to hear it. It's a nice thing to give each other nicknames, right, Mels?"

He answered, his voice almost cheerful. Mello couldn't help but wonder at how Matt managed to block out his physical pain so consequently.

He smiled at the redhead and looked all over his face. The tired, dark lined eyes, still so effectively calming him.  
The mouth with the curled corners, the bloody marks on his face. The red mark on his cheek was so out of place, it made him almost wonder why the hell there was blood at all on such a peaceful face.

The blond let his head fall down again, touching the skin of Matt's throat gently. His ear was lying on the collarbone and he could feel every heartbeat through the skin.  
He was shocked that it was still so slow, even though it had fastened up in the last time. But still too weak.

He listened to Matt's heartbeat getting stronger and faster and enjoyed the feeling of Matt's hands on his neck, curling a strand of hair monotonously and stroking over his skin.  
Securing, soothing. Relaxing. And the steady heartbeat slowly dulled him into sleep, like a reverberation of eternity and ever lasting power.

Slowly, his thoughts fell into drowsiness, sinking into a sweet sleep.


End file.
